TheBadBlog

Spelling with Pictures!

2006-11-16T08:47:00.000-05:00

Thank You Stephen Colbert!!!

2006-05-06T10:55:00.000-04:00

As I'm sure you both know by now, Stephen Colbert closed the White House Press Correspondents Dinner doing his "Stephen Colbert the conservative pundit" character from The Colbert Report. It was a full frontal attack on the President, who happened to be sitting, not that enthused, two seats down from him.

It was also the ballsiest and most wonderful skewering of a President since Shecky O'Hallorhan roasted Andrew Jackson in 1832 with the line "Old Hickory refers not to the President but the stick up his ass." (Historical Note: Shecky was never seen alive again.)

Anywho, Stephen said a lot of things about the administration, the president and the media and he said it right to their faces. Things like:

"So the White House has personnel changes. Then you write they're just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. First of all, that is a terrible metaphor. This administration is not sinking. This administration is soaring. If anything, they are rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg."

and

"I'm with the president, let history decide what did or did not happen. The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday, that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday."

and

"The President makes decisions, he's the decider. The Press Secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Put them through a spell check and go home. Get to know your family again. Make love to your wife. Write that novel you got kicking around in your head. You know, the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to stand up to the administration. You know, fiction."

The press likes to say that he bombed. He sure did, he bombed the shit out of them!

Someone quickly realized that a way was needed to measure the appreciation of the frustrated masses, so they created Thank You Stephen Colbert. As of press time there were 50,219 "Thank Yous." That's about 10,000 a day. These "Thank Yous" are coming from all over the world. It's pretty cool to read. Stop on by watch the video, read the op-ed pieces, but most importantly, stop by and say thanks to Stephen Colbert.

Shave Everywhere!

2006-05-02T12:00:00.000-04:00

Boy oh boy, This is one hell of a marketing scheme. Check it out at Shave Everywhere

Maybe this will take care of our Bad Hair?

National High Five Day!

2006-04-18T01:54:00.000-04:00

Get those hands ready, kids! It's almost National High Five Day!

We'll be staying up late on High Five Day's Eve, greasing our palms and setting out the milk and cookies for the High Five Day Heron. Kevin's been extra good this year, so he's hoping for that roll of quarters he asked for.

Have a Slap-Happy Holiday!

My Gift To You...

2006-04-08T09:11:00.000-04:00

As I am now a reporter of things that are cool

City Paper - Culture Shock

I would be remiss if I didn't tell you all about Channel 101 and my favorite series - Yacht Rock.

Channel 101 is the brainchild of Dan Harmon and Rob Schrab, the creators of the one-time running FOX Pilot HEAT VISION AND JACK. It's an online film festival/tv station/bizarrefest.

Each month teams create "Pilots" to be screened at an LA theater in front of a live audience. The audience then votes on which "Pilot" is to be "picked up." It then becomes a "Prime Time Show." The "Prime Time Shows" compete with the new "Pilots." Some will fail, some will win, all end up at CHANNEL101.com.

Anywho, YACHT ROCK is the music mockumentary series that follows the musicians of the 70s and 80s who made SMOOTH ROCK. Kenny Loggins and Michael McDonald are our heroes as they come up against the many enemies of SMOOTH ROCK.

The great thing is that, apart from being very funny, NONE of the actors even barely resemble the musicians, but that's also what frees them up. Facial hair and bad wigs are abundant (a big fake moustache and BAM, you're Jeff Baxter of The Doobie Brothers).

It looks bad, but it's so NOT bad.

Sail on out with Episode One and see:

There is an East Coast version of Channel 101 called Channel 102, which had my second favorite web series: Shutterbugs. But alas, it was cancelled.

DIE ACTOR, DIE - Springsuit Edition

2006-03-20T10:41:00.000-05:00

It was so fun last time, we decided to do it again!

DIE ACTOR, DIE is back. After a long hiatus (for no other reason other than we were busy) Don and Dawn return to host a night of stand-up and comedy featuring some of Philly's favorite actors, improvisers and performers.

Actually, Dawn is off being an actress in California, so Don will be joined by none other than his birthday buddy: PETE PRYOR!

This month's performers include:

Tony Lawton
Eoin O'Shea
Dave Dritsas
Nathan Holt
Fred Andersen
Stephanie Roberts
Betsy Herbert
Julia Frey

Plus you never know who may show up!

What: DIE ACTOR, DIE -- Hosted by Don Montrey and Pete Pryor
When: Sunday, March 26th @ 8:30 PM
Where: Fergie's Pub 1214 Sansom Street
How Much: $5

Come early! Our last show was so full we had to turn people away.

They Did It Again

2006-03-06T08:54:00.000-05:00

The Lonely Island guys almost outdid The Chronic-les of Narnia with this gangsta' rap from Natalie Portman.

I like the posse of young girls backin' her up.

Check it out before NBC gets wind and shuts it down.

Thanks BoingBoing and YouTube.

New things a-comin'

2006-02-17T08:02:00.000-05:00

BAD HAIR is working on a brand spankin' new website with a brand spankin' new logo. Here's a brand spankin' new samplin':

This is Nathan.

BAD HAIR's Don Montrey opens for Valentine's Cabaret Act!!!

2006-02-11T09:26:00.000-05:00

Please join BAD HAIR-ite Don Montrey as he opens for his good buddy Fran Prisco in Break-up Songs for Stupid Valentine's Day -- part of 1812 Productions' 1812 at the Angel cabaret series. Fran will be accompanied by the the incomparable Jim Ryan on piano.

When: Monday, February 13th
Where: The Tin Angel -- 20 S. 2nd Street in Old City
What Time: 8:30 (Doors open at 8PM)
How Much: $10

Fran will perform some of the best relationship-ending songs ever. Featuring classic heart string tuggers like Heartbreak Hotel, 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover, and Sondheim's Good Thing Going. Mr. Prisco croons away an evening of melodies even St. Valentine himself couldn't resist.

And Don will open for him.

What's Don gonna do?

A little of this.

A little of that.

But none of those.

As always, tickets to 1812 at the Angel are only $10 and can be purchased by contacting The Tin Angel at (215) 928-0978 or at www.tinangel.com/tickets.

See you there!

They're Back!

2006-01-22T15:25:00.000-05:00

For three nights only.

In LA.

Crap.

Still it's pretty cool. If all goes well maybe they'll tour again.

http://kithblog.tripod.com

Meet Brian Stack

2006-01-20T14:45:00.000-05:00

Brian Stack is a writer on "Late Night with Conan O'Brien." (He created the bit "Frankenstein Wastes a Minute of Our Time" amongst many others.)

A Special Thing.com is a website for comedians and the people who love (and hate) them.

When they got together, it was murder!

Actually it's a great Q&A thread with insight into the creative process, Late Night with Conan and comedy in general. Brian is really thorough and generous with his responses - sometimes writing from his office at 30 Rock while the night's show is in rehearsal. (I really love that meta type shit.)

Check it out.

Thanks to The Apiary.org for the original posting!

Do Tanks Dream?

2006-01-09T16:30:00.000-05:00

I can't believe Japan would make baby tanks fight in a war!

Oh wait! The tanks were going backwards! To avoid the helicopters and giant hornets.

Now it all makes sense! If I spoke f*&%in' Japanese!!!!!!!!!

Check out The Yawaraka Tanks.

Found at MilkandCookies.com

Where's Wild Boy?

2006-01-03T15:25:00.000-05:00

I seem to recall that former Hollywood Golden-boy John Landis had admitted to making this hoax with a friend of his.

Or maybe I just dreamt it.

Reagrdless it's pretty cool.

Stabilized Bigfoot Footage.

You should also check out the stabilized Zapruder film. That's intense.

Thanks BoingBoing.net.

HAPPY HOLIDAY MIDWEEK!

2005-12-29T11:56:00.000-05:00

BAD HAIR wants to take this opportunity to say Happy Holiday Midweek! While Christmas, Hanukah, New Year's and Chanukah get all the attention, some of us like to celebrate a more personal experience: The Holiday Midweek.

We celebrate by eating Mom’s famous Leftover Breakfast Scramble (turnips, coleslaw and eggs), doing nothing at work, recovering from “I-didn’t-get-what-I-wanted-itis” and sending emails about upcoming BAD HAIR stuff.

January 13-15: ChicagoSketchFest – BAD HAIR is heading to the windy city! In January. Yay? We’ll be performing with 99 other groups in the country’s biggest Sketch Festival! (NOTE: Not all groups will be performing simultaneously.) Our newest member Nathan Holt will be making his debut and the always awesome Dave Jadico will be accompanying us on keyboards.

Theatre Building Chicago (South Theater)
1225 W. Belmont Ave. Chicago, IL
Friday, January 13 @ 8 PM
Saturday, January 14 @ 7 PM

January 26: THE FUNKY FAD BAD HAIR FEST – The boys from Philly are teaming up with the boys from Wilmington! The Film Brothers brought us down last season for two SOLD OUT shows at Café 4W5. Now we’re back for a one night gig at Theatre N in beautiful tax-sheltered downtown Wilmington complete with bad hair contest and much, much, much, much more.

Theatre N at Nemours
1007 Orange Street, Wilmington, DE
Thursday, January 26 @ 7:30 p.m.
Admission: $30.00 (includes preshow party, BAD HAIR show and tix to upcoming Theater N movies. Please Note: Tickets will NOT be sold at the door.)

Spring 2006: A Brand New Website and a Brand New Show! We’ve already started writing and working on new material for the Spring. New sketches, new videos, new songs, new missiles…oops. I’ve said too much. Now I shall have to punish you. Please click here to be punished.

Happy Holiday Midweek to all! And to all an Adequate Thursday.

White Boys Can Rap

2005-12-27T14:26:00.000-05:00

Check out this video from SNL a few weeks ago.

It was made by the show's newest editions: The Lonely Planet. Three smart and funny guys who took advantage of the internet, created a pilot for FOX and eventually got got gigs on SNL. I could tell you their whole story but why tell you when you could read it and I could go back to work.

For the whole story, check out their website or this Wired article.

Sailing the sea of smiles on the gentle breeze of rock.

2005-12-21T16:33:00.000-05:00

It doesn't get any smoother than this folks.

Channel 101 presents YACHT ROCK. A continuing series that is doing cool gangbuster business and won the annual Channy Award for Best Show.

What does that mean? I dunno. But Yacht Rock is liking sipping on a guitar margarita with calm on the rim while drifting down harmonious bay in your boat of mellow.

And who knew John Oates was such a dick!

Enjoy, lovers.

Bunny-B+F=Funny

2005-12-10T13:11:00.000-05:00

30-Second Bunny Theatre

Famous movies parodied in 30 seconds by bunnies.

Need I say more?

Found at BoingBoing.net.

'Tis Never the Season

2005-12-09T08:46:00.000-05:00

The Improv Resource Center has a thread called Horrorday Cards. It's both funny, sad and scary all at the same time! Just like The Tyra Banks Show.

Tell me the "furry" inspired card at the bottom of page 1 isn't the most disturbing (and the hottest)!

You shouldn't need to register just to see the cards.

The Coolest Light Show Ever!!!

2005-12-02T08:41:00.000-05:00

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/videos/xmaslights.html

It's seizure-tastic!

The Spin Off

2005-11-21T22:42:00.000-05:00

DonMonTrey

What I'm Listening To Right Now

2005-11-21T21:53:00.000-05:00

The author listening...

1. Billy Joel's Greatest Hits, Vol. 1 and 2
2. The Sound of Young America Podcast
3. South Park downstairs on Comedy Central.
4. My neighbor's loud television watching SURFACE on NBC.
5. My cat ripping apart my gym bag with her infernal demon claws.
6. My wife discussing going to New York with her friend John. (NOTE: Should I be worried?)
7. The tap-tap-tapping of my co-co-computer's k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-keyboard.
8. My soul withering.
9. The voice in my head telling me maybe Hitler wasn't so bad.
10. A baby crying. (NOTE: Somewhere.)
11. The earth breathing.
12. The earth farting.
13. The earth laughing at itself.
14. A tree falling in the woods.

BAD HAIR-O-WEEN at The Tin Angel this Monday Night

2005-10-28T11:31:00.000-04:00

Too old to Trick-or-Treat?

Too young to go to bed at 8 PM?

Too living to scour darkened alleys and shadowy city streets looking for a juicy human brain to feast upon?

Cool! Us too.

This Monday, October 31st, the famous 1812 Productions welcomes the infamous BAD HAIR to headline the second installment of their Monday comedy cabaret at the uberultrafolkyfamous Tin Angel.

Come see some of your favorite sketches and songs - including one or two you may not have seen before.

NO COSTUMES REQUIRED!!!

1812 Productions' own Pete Pryor will host this comedy extravaganza!

WHAT: BAD HAIR-O-WEEN - Presented as part of 1812 Productions' Monthly Comedy Cabaret
WHEN: Monday, October 31st at 8:30PM (Doors open at 8PM)
WHERE: The Tin Angel (20 S. 2nd Street in Old City)
HOW MUCH: $10 (can be purchased by contacting Tin Angel at (215) 928-0978 or at www.tinangel.com/tickets)

An added bonus of the evening will be awesome BAD HAIR trivia with great 1812 Productions giveaways, like the coveted 1812 Pint Glass (you'll never be the coolest kid on your block without one)!

An added added bonus of the evening, someone will DIE!!!!!!!*

*Death not a guarantee. But we'll try.

BAD HAIR DOES THE FRINGE! (Promises to call later in the week.)

2005-09-02T15:19:00.000-04:00

In what can only be called “not totally unexpected,”
BAD HAIR returns to The Philadelphia Fringe Festival with
FRINGETASTIC SKETCHTACULAR 2: SEQUELPALOOZA
-- an all new show of sketch, video, music and kittens.

That’s right. Kittens.

Last year’s shows SOLD OUT!
(and that was before kittens were involved)
Be sure to get your tickets NOW!

What: BHFS2:S
Where: Gallery Siano – 309 Arch Street
When: Wed 9/14, Thu 9/15, Sat 9/17 @ 9 PM Fri 9/16 @ 8 and 10 PM
How Much: $10 (Tickets available at the door and HERE )
Why: Because funny is sexy!

Upcoming Gigs: Ursinus College, 3 Little Bakers in Wilmington, DE and a Holiday Best of Show! Stay tuned...

ACTORS DIED! EVERYONE LAUGHED!

2005-08-08T11:21:00.000-04:00

A BIG Thanks to everyone who came out to see the very first and very successful DIE ACTOR, DIE! It was a STANDING ROOM ONLY crowd!

We raised FAR MORE money than we anticipated for Laugh Away, a new outreach program for Domestic Abuse shelters.

Thanks to all our performers: Steve Lippe, Betsy Herbert, Gwendolyn Rooker, Tanesha Ford, Barry Lank, Pete Pryor, Nathan Holt, Jessie Preisendorfer, Tony Lawton, Julia Frey and Madi DiStefano.

We also must thank our Tech Gurus: Dave Jadico on the Blinding Comedic Spotlight and David Dritsas who smoothed the transitions with the dulcet tones of a Jazz/Rock/Punk/Pop/Baroque/Whistlin' music mix.

A final thanks to Jason the Doorman, Buddy the Bartender, Devon the Waitress and of course, Fergie's Pub for being an excellent host!

The show was such a huge success we're already planning the next one! Stay tuned for more details!

Thanks again,

Don Montrey and Dawn Falato

PHILLY ACTORS STAND UP FOR A GOOD CAUSE!!!

2005-07-31T13:45:00.000-04:00

You've seen them on stage, you've seen them on film, now see them totally naked (metaphorically speaking)!!!

DIE ACTOR, DIE

A night of stand up and funny stories as told by some of Philadelphia's newest and funniest comedic actors and writers. Anything can and will happen when these performers take the stage!

Performers include: Betsy Herbert, Madi DiStefano (BRAT Productions), Don Montrey (BAD HAIR), Dawn Falato (Hotel Obligado), Nathan Holt (ComedySportz), Eoin O’Shea (ComedySportz), Tanesha Ford (ComedySportz), Steve Lippe (The Waitstaff) and Jessie Preisendorfer (To Kate Jackson with Love) – plus a few special guests!

When: Sunday, August 7th
Time: 8:30
Where: Fergie's Pub - 1214 Sansom Street
How Much: $5

All proceeds go to Laugh Away, a new Outreach Program helping women in Domestic Abuse Shelters.

PLUS - You too can get in on the act when we open up the mic to the audience to let you tell your favorite joke or two. It can be silly, dirty, juvenille, absurd, really dirty, we don't care! This is your chance to bask in the comedic spotlight.

With this much comedic talent in one room it is guranteed to be a hilarious evening! Don't miss out!

BAD HAIR LIVE ABOUT 200 BLOCKS FROM MADISON SQUARE GARDEN!!

2005-06-24T00:05:00.000-04:00

There is a time and place for everything...

If you want Lobsters, you go to Maine.

If you want Potatoes, you go to Idaho.

If you want Sketch Comedy, you go to Chicago.

If you can't afford airfare to Chicago, you go to New York.

BAD HAIR is goin' to NEW YORK (City)!!!!

WHAT: BAD HAIR - Sketch Comedy with Comedy Sketches
WHEN: Saturday, July 9th @ 10 PM
WHERE: Juvie Hall - 24 Bond Street (between Bowery & Lafyette)
HOW MUCH: $5
WHY: 'Cause.

This is our first show in New York and we are very excited. We hope to make lots of new friends and fans. Come out and support us if you can!

"Don't let the name fool you. There is nothing BAD about this group." - Philadelphia City Paper

Images From South Philly

2005-05-16T13:56:00.000-04:00

The more I look at this picture the more creeped out I get.

I Totally Overreact To My Winning City Paper's Caption Contest

2005-05-02T11:26:00.000-04:00

Gertrude wondered what would happen when
she kissed the other six kegs. -- Don Montrey

2005 CityPaper Caption Contest Winner

Gosh, I don't know who to thank.

There are so many people -- with me being at the top of the list. I want to thank me for having the courage to take a risk. It is not every day that an opportunity like this comes along but it is every day that I run in fear from the unknown. So good work, me.

I want to thank Brian Howard for his excellent article on Victory's Throwback Lager. Without his insightful reporting I may never have picked up the paper and stumbled upon a contest that would quite literally change my life.

I want to thank God, the Creator for making me the wittiest man out there. Really, God. You're the tops in my book. You've made up for the hell that was High School.

I need to thank my beautiful Fiancee Kathleen for encouraging me every day to keep going, to keep trying to keep writing until I found the perfect caption. I love you baby.

I want to thank Beth, my beautiful girlfriend for not calling me at home while Kathleen encouraged me that week. Really, Beth. You're the tops in my book.

I want to thank Commerce Bank for being open seven days a week. They didn't really help with this, it's just very convenient and I want to thank them.

I want to thank BAD HAIR. These men are easily the hardest working men I have ever had the pleasure to exclude from my winnings. Really, BAD HAIR. You're the tops in my book.

Let's see who else: parents - yes, my cat Peanut, yes, Satan, yes. Well I guess that's it. I just want to wrap up by saying to all the children out there that you can achieve your dreams, you can surpass your goals, you can be all that you can be and more. If you have talent like me. Sadly only about 1/3 of you do.

Good night.

Honorable Mentions

Sadie, trust me, if you drink all this beer, it will LOOK 14 inches long.
--Debra Schiff
(Hands down, the best of many penis submissions.)

We need more ballin' time? Gee, I thought you said Ballantine.
--Bill Dingfelder

I dug to China. They gave me beer for smuggling people.
--Ash Doyle

I'm telling ya, six packs are goin' to be big one day. --Mike Viñales
(Of the multitude of six-pack jokes, this one made the nice pun on the size of this particular six-pack.)

You're on. Five dollars says the boys will prefer my cans to your kegs.
--Kevin Blanton

Of course we need six barrels. That shark has a mouth on it this big.
--Anonymous
(Gotta love a Jaws reference.)

Oh, that's just swell, George! Now when they drop the Big One, we'll be too hammered to defend our bomb shelter from the mutant hordes!
--Lou Primus
(Also, we love mutant hordes.)

Sorry lady, but we're all out of urns.
--Jack Sheehan
(Yeah, we're confused. But bemusedly so.)

Dumkomf! Die Kinder at die Frathausen said 'Schissen load case of kegs, keine sixpacken!' Is der Pope Katholic? Ach, was!
--Charles K. Hofmann
(Auf Deutsch! Sort of!)

Read the whole article here.

More Chapter Excerpts from “The Final Circle: A Family Circus Novelization”

2005-04-26T16:15:00.000-04:00

Chapter 6

The sun was setting and Jeffy ran for his life.

His breath, once sweet and full of “cot and candy”, now burned his throat like his Father’s “To kill-ya.” Who was this Dark Figure? Why was it chasing him?

Quickly he scampered up Mr. Jenkins’ ladder and over old Ms Hanratty’s fence.

He turned to see if the Figure was still there. Nothing. He was alone. However calmness did not overcome him like when he held his favorite teddy bear. Jeffy had fallen for that before and the results had been horrific. He kept running.

He hopped across some rocks traversing the stream. How he longed to be in the safety of his house, standing in the bathroom meticulously combing his hair. Combing his hair made him happy. Almost pretty. Dolly wasn’t the only pretty one in the family.

Must keep going. Must make it home.

He ducked down and scurried through a log. His chest ached, as though Barfy was trying to claw out of it. Barfy. The thought of his former best friend made his eyes “leaky.” Barfy who would lick the melted ice cream from his hands, who would curl up on the bottom of his bed on a cold winter night. Barfy, who defended him when the dark figure approached them on their way home from the park. Barfy, who now lay dead and disemboweled in Mrs. Magillcutty’s flower bed. Jeffy wished it had been Dolly who was in that flower bed. She was the cause of all this and now Barfy had paid the price. The bitch.

He finally stopped at the flagpole in the schoolyard and leaned against it. He could go no further. His short stubby legs quivered with exhaustion. He looked up at Old Glory waving in the wind. “Does the flag wave ‘Hi’ or ‘Bye’?” he thought to himself. He was very inquisitive for his age. What had Daddy called him? “Obnoxious.” Such a big word Jeffy had thought. He meant to look it up in the “Dishenary” but he ended up trying on Dolly’s knee socks. How warm they felt, especially having been on someone as cold as Dolly.

Jeffy circled the flagpole. Walking in circles made him think, it revitalized him “jush like a clock,” his Grandma had said after drinking half a bottle of Daddy’s To-kill-ya. He looked down at his legs, imagining what they would look like once he put on Mommy’s church shoes when he saw the black spot at his feet. It looked like a rectangle. He took a step back to take a closer look and another rectangle appeared where he had just been standing. He took another step and then another. Two more rectangles. He began to follow them with his eyes. Dozens of black rectangles lay ahead of him in a line. He noticed they wrapped around the flagpole. He saw them lead to and around the school building. In the distance he saw them go up the hill and into the log he had escaped through. He had to squint to make sure but it looked like they were hovering in tiny arches over the rocks in the creek. What were these rectangles and where were they going? It was then he saw the Dark Figure coming over the hill. It crawled through the log and made it’s way to the stream. It was then that Jeffy realized the black rectangles were not coming towards him. They were coming from him.

Jeffy wet his pants for the first time in three years as the Dark Figure hopped over the rocks in the stream.

Chapter Excerpts from “The Final Circle: A Family Circus Novelization”

2005-04-06T11:57:00.000-04:00

Chapter 1

The Demon grinned in the darkness. His transparent eyes twinkled as they gazed up the destruction he had wrought. His joy dampened only by the fact that he could not be seen. That he could not look upon the faces of the family and let his visage add to their fear and confusion.

How much longer would this last? The Maker had promised to remove the spell once chaos ruled and the Chosen one was destroyed. But the Maker neglected to say which child was the Chosen.

Was it the chubby older one?

The bratty female with the ponytail?

The second boy with the gay haircut?

Or the infant.

The Demon rubbed the scars on his stomach as he contemplated his next move. They ached, the scars. He traced them with his stubby fingers. The scars were in the shape of letters; but not just random letters, oh no. The Master was more than just pure evil. He had a sense of humor.

The Demon looked on. The parents would be home soon. First the dark haired female followed by the man with glasses. This was all his doing. Yet he did not know it. There was Hell to pay and the Demon was here to collect.

He knew the progress of events. She would walk into the room. Pause. Then scream in terror. The scream was always followed by the phrase “Who did this?” A primal scream that pierced the sky and shook the pillars of heaven. “WHO DID THIS?!”

“Not Me.” whispered the Demon to himself. And he smiled.

“Not Me.”

Bad Advice That's Good!

2005-03-29T00:50:00.000-05:00

Do you find that you are taking yourself way too seriously, lately? Are you starting to act in ways that most people would classify as jack-asinine? Is it worrying you that you might be becoming the biggest jit-bag on the block?

Welcome to the BAD HAIR Institute for Self-Improvement and Corrective Haberdashery. Our qualified, online specialists are oncall 24 hours a day to help you with your serious problems. Don't let a superior attitude ruin your life!

Let's listen in…

Dear BAD HAIR:
I'm a morning person and my roomate is not. It bugs me that he sleeps so late. He's wasting away the day! After I get up, I often go into his room and flick his lights on and off, shouting, "get up, get up lazy head in a bed." But instead of thanking me for keeping him from getting up at the crack of noon, he throws magazines at me (usually Harper's Bazarre, which is heavy!) and yells, "get bent, tool shed!" Am I being a jerk here?

-Anonymous Male (AM)

BAD HAIR SPEACIALIST:
Well, if what you're so busy accomplishing in the morning is operating your roommate's light switch, you might want to reevaluate this, "early to bed, early to rise" philosophy. But here's our more practical advice. The next time you get up early—which is probably tomorrow, knowing you—immediately say to yourself, "the early bird gets the worm," and then remember two things: 1) The bird can fly but you can't, and, 2) Though the worm will live a short life, its goals were most likely achieved one hour after birth, and yet, what have you done?

Dear BAD HAIR:
Last summer I became a health nut. I power-walk everyday and I believe that this has been central to my now stellar health record. My doctor uses me as an example now for everyone at the fat clinic! Anyway, a month ago I realized (during a really bonus meditation) that I was being selfish in not sharing my lifestyle with others. But it hasn't been going well. People don't seem receptive to hearing about my personal journey and aren't learning from my example. Am I being too overbearing?

-Mantroscity

BAD HAIR SPECIALIST: According to the Ministry of Health and Social Welfare in Finland, 1 out of 5 Finns will be in an accident this year. That's one million accidents in a country of only five million people. The Ministry also found that the leading cause of these accidents is falling down during walking. While you may not be in Finland, the point is: You could easily be next. So lighten up and have a cheese burger every once in a while.

Dear BAD HAIR:
My girlfriend is really hot. I mean, really smoking. I like to show her off to my friends, especially in places like bars, where strangers can also see I have a hot girlfriend. Now people are accusing me of being a show-off and my girlfriend is getting tired of me buying all of her clothes for her. Am I being juvenile about this?

-Verti-ho

BAD HAIR SPECIALIST:
Ooo, this is a toughy. Here at the BAD HAIR Institute we like to solve your problems using very scientific methods. Unfortunately, beauty is a very subjective term; one man's "hot" is another man's "rabid animal caught in a bear trap," just as one man's "smoking" is another man's "compost pile in winter." Luckily, we have developed a patented reverse-subjectivity process that will help us in your case. Please send us a photo of your girlfriend. Actually, send us several photos of her, we'll need a lot for the tests we run.

Dear BAD HAIR:
I'm the boss' favorite at work—a prestigious accounting firm—and, this year, I'm the only one in my department who got a raise. Everyone else got a generic holiday card and $15 worth of SuperFresh supermarket coupons. My boss said I shouldn't mention my raise to anyone, but it was a really big raise and I want to share my good news with my co-workers. Is it so wrong that I want them to be happy for me? Why can't they see it from my perspective?

-Benjamins

BAD HAIR SPECIALIST: Well, you sound like you are pretty far gone already. People have probably written things about you on the bathroom wall at the office, and it's not about having a good time. But there is hope, yet. Whenever you feel like your co-workers should envy you for the money you make, picture the guys of Mini Kiss (www.littlemanentertainment.com/Mini-Kiss.html) and keep in mind that they probably make more in one year than you will in ten at your fancy accounting firm. How's that for perspective?

The Employee Cafeteria - Easter Edition

2005-03-27T14:37:00.000-05:00

Today, in the Employee Cafeteria, we had ugly greasy salmon, yellow skin covered chicken, and thoroughly saturated broccoli. I had a salad. You would think they would serve us better food on Easter.

Jason

Kevin's Korner - # 2

2005-03-27T12:59:00.000-05:00

Hi I'm Kevin. This is my Korner. Isn't it kool?

Ever wanted to wrekk havok but you were to mukh of a sissy to deal with what would happen if you aktually got kaught?

I did.

*sigh*

Well now we kan do as mukh damage as we'd like without all those konsequenkes thanks to Netdisaster!

Launkh a Martian Attakk on Google, send Dinosaurs stampeding akross The Philadelphia Khamber of Kommerke, drop Nukes on Ann Koulter.org! Best of all it was kreated by a Frenkh designer. Q'uelle irony!

What a way to start the day! And best all no damage is done...I think.

Doogie Howser M.D. Season One on DVD

2005-03-26T10:52:00.000-05:00

That's right Doogie-maniacs! The hit TV show of the 90s is finally on DVD.

This new four disc set is loaded with all 26 episodes from Season One. Including extra bonus features:

-Chapter Selection
-brand new interviews from Emmy® award winning co-creator & producer Steven Bochco and Star Neil Patrick Harris.
-Outtake Reel
-Drunk Doogie Outtake Reel
-The famed Doogie Howser/Cop Rock Crossover Episode
-Noam Chomsky's essay on Doogie Howser and International Class War
-Commentary Tracks featuring Neil Patrick Harris dissing his co-stars while bragging about his Broadway career
-The First Level of "Doogie Howser M.D.: The Fates of Galganon" X-Box Game
-Deleted Scenes
-Deseated Leans
-The Howser Family Reunion - Mini-Doc on the 15th Annual Doogie Howser Fan-Expo
-What made Doogie Run? - A fictional cat-scan of Doogie Howser's Brain with Commentary by Noam Chomsky
-The never-before-seen Final Epsiode where Doogie dies -- metaphorically (then later, literally).

Get the gift that is sure to be under every Easter Basket.

Buy Season One Now!

"The Things I Saw Today" Awards

2005-03-22T23:55:00.000-05:00

Otherwise known as the "Thingys."

These are things I saw or heard today that were so disturbing/shocking/hilarious that they took up permanent residence in my cerebral cortex.

The Thingy For Most Disgusting Thing I Saw Today
Two young kids putting 13 Splendas in their coffee at Barnes & Noble cafe. (Bonus Dialogue: "The Splenda is so light I have to use twice as much.")

The Thingy For Funniest Thing I Heard Today
"My first birthday cake was made of mashed potatoes."

The Thingy For Scariest Thing I Saw Today
Sign on the EXIT door of KFC: "See You Tomorrow!"

The Thingy For Coolest While At The Same Time Depressing Thing That Evoked My Youthful Innocence
X-Entertainment's 80's Commercial Collection (One word: "Tektites!")

My Recent Poker Winnings (+)/Losses(-)

2005-03-21T22:02:00.000-05:00

+ $20
+ $12
- $17
- $22
- $78
+ X-Box
- $2,000 and engangement ring
+ 2nd X-Box (this one works)
+ $5
- $5
+ $8,000
- the second smallest toe on my left foot
+ the second smallest toe from someone else's foot
- $.0002
- my soul
+ wicked-ass blues guitar riffs

I am still ahead.

Kevin's Korner - # 1

2005-03-18T18:23:00.000-05:00

Hello. This is Kevin. This is my Korner.

Here I will post those things I find on the internet -- such as humorous websites, interesting news articles and my biological parents.

I came across a great blog that I wanted to share with you:

http://queryletters.blogspot.com/

Two Hollywood types post the log lines to submitted query letters. A query lettery (pronounced "kwerree") is a submission to an agent or studio from a struggling screenwriter. Yes, many great films started out as query letters, but they did not include the following log line:

"LOGLINE: A heavy metal band fights an evil corporation, trying to put an end to commercialism in music. Using modified musical instruments as swords, spears and axes!

Well ROCK STAR kinda started that way...

Your History Lesson For the Day - The Etruscan Language

2005-03-18T17:39:00.000-05:00

I am reading A.J. Jacobs' The Know-It-All : One Man's Humble Quest to Become the Smartest Person in the World. It's very good.

I stole it.

Anywho, there is an entry called the Etruscan Language. Apparently the Etruscans (from Etruscanzania) came up with a way of writing where they interchanged the direction of their printing.

Here, it's best if I show you. Here is an entry from an Etruscan Teenage Girl's Journal:

"Oh Diary, Pepenene is such a nerd. He is constantly telling
boring is he is know I All .boars 23 killed has he that me
me to death! Why can't Geuseppietoratano look at my face?"

See! They wrap the sentence so the eye (or eyes if you were lucky enough to be born with two) can easily jump to the next line without having to scan back to the right margin.

Scholars called the Etruscans "a brilliant civilization that reinvented the Latin alphabet and use of sentence structure."

I call them too lazy to scan across a page. That's why they're extinct!

Next week's lesson: Neanderthal Trigonometery.

An Endorsement

2005-03-18T10:49:00.000-05:00

This is Charles Darwin. Whenever I am doing research on the internet or checking sales of The Descent of Man (2005 Edition) on Amazon, I always stop by The Bad Blog for a few laughs. These guys should live on the Ga-laugh-a-lot Islands!

Does this mean "Delete" is an internet version of birth control?

2005-03-14T10:41:00.000-05:00

What a bunch of squares!

This image was created at Typorganism.com, a site that puts forth the theory that type (i.e. words, letters and symbols) on the internet is a living organism (i.e. people, plants and puppies). Don't know if I buy it but the site is pretty cool. For example did you know the weight of two letter "g"s is similar to seven letter "j"s or that I could easily waste 2 hours on this site?

Man I need a life.

Waste time at http://www.typorganism.com/asciiomatic/

Part 2 of My Interview w/ Jesus Christ.

2005-03-09T12:50:00.000-05:00

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Jesus visits with many people. In order to truly connect with them, he takes a form that the visitee or interviewer can identify with. In this case, he appeared as a balding waiter in Philadelphia. Think Oh! God with me in place of John Denver and me in place of George Burns.

Jesus Christ (JC): (inaudible)…and a small fry! (laughter)

Whalie Reinhardt (WR): Jesus, do you find church boring?

JC: (thoughtful pause, somewhere a dog barks) That’s a tough question. I mean I’m torn on the issue, ya know? Here are millions of people coming together to worship, well, me. It’s humbling. But then at the same time, it’s like, “lighten up, yo. Pick up a guitar. Laugh a little. I died 2005 years ago. Let’s quit the mourning already.” Ya know?

WR: It’s kind of a bummer.

JC: A big fuckin’ bummer.

WR: What do you think of U2’s How To Dismantle A Nuclear Bomb?

JC: Um. It’s ok. I dig “Vertigo”, but the album feels like a retread of All That You Can’t Leave Behind. Similar to how I felt after Zooropa. It was basically Achtung Baby 2. I told Bono that and he told me I didn’t know what the hell I was talking about and I had to agree with him. He’s Bono. Did you hear a dog earlier?

WR: Don’t you hate it when people don’t tip well?

JC: Now, Whalie. I taught my disciples to turn the other cheek. Man is as diverse as the stars in the heavens. You cannot read people’s minds and know what they are thinking. I, however, can. I’ll die for your sins but I ain’t running back and forth to fill your water glass if you plan on leaving me a 10% tip! (Jesus farts) I take satisfaction in that I will see them on judgment day. Let’s see how they like 10% of Salvation.

WR: I didn’t know you farted.

JC: (smiles) And they say God has no sense of humor. Think about all the stuff that we can generate from our bodies that give us pleasure – fart, burps, sweaty, erections, acapella music. These are God’s way of saying lighten up and enjoy yourselves. You only go around once.

WR: Really? So reincarnation is a big fallacy.

JC: Gi-hugic! That’s just Satan screwin’ with mankind. He told King Ho-Tep of Egypt that when he dies, he should bury all his treasures with him because he can take them with him to the afterlife. You should have seen the look on Ho-Tep’s face when he got to Heaven. No gold, no silver, not kitty cats. Nuthin! Dad bet Satan he couldn’t do it. He ended up losing the Presbyterians to him.

WR: Why does God let bad things happen to good people?

JC: Why does your Dad drive a Harley?

WR: Cause it makes him feel young and powerful.

JC: Bingo!

WR: That makes God sound almost like an anarchist.

JC: No, just shaking things up. It wasn’t always that way. Can I have the rest of your Soy Chips? (Jesus takes them before I can answer) In the beginning everyone was classified into 2 groups: Good and Bad. If you were Bad, bad things happened to you. If you were Good, good things happened. Then one day in 1972, Dad and I were eating dinner when He said “I’m thinking of letting a bad thing happen to a good person?” The rest is a question for the ages.

WR: So if something bad happened to you before 1972 it was because you were bad?

JC: Yup. (Jesus farts again) Jesus, what is wrong with me today?

WR: One final question…

JC: (interrupting)…before we finish, can you spot me for lunch today? I forgot to hit a MAC and there’s no PNC nearby.

WR: Sure. You were beaten, crucified and then rose from the dead…

JC: Twice.

WR: Twice.

JC: Just wanna get that on the record.

WR: …you’re the Lamb of God, the Balm of Gilead, the Rose of Sharon…

JC: Never heard that one before...

WR: ...you have conquered Satan and death itself. And yet you can’t finish a simple game like Kingdom Hearts for PS2. Do you find that ironic?

JC: Hey man. Resurrection is easy. Beating Ansem is a bitch.

I HEART BAD HAIR - The Poster

2005-02-02T13:29:00.000-05:00

This is our poster. It was made by Dave. Yay Dave. Yay.

I'll take a case of mac & cheese, a pallate of paper towels, some Sunny D aaaannnd...a Picasso.

2005-01-24T13:35:00.000-05:00

CNN.com - Original Picasso sells on Costco Web site

Coming soon, the Salvador Dali line for Wal-Mart.

Chantico - Drinking, Peeing and Pooping Chocolate

2005-01-21T15:52:00.000-05:00

Nutritional Facts
Serving Size - 6 fl. oz.
Calories - 390
Fat Calories - 190
Total Fat (g) - 21
Saturated Fat (g) - 10
Insulin Rush (mm) - 650
Cholesterol (mg) - 25
Sodium (mg) - 105
Total Carbohydrates (g) - 51
Pimples - 13
Butt Pimples - 6
Fiber (g) - 6
Sugars (g) - 40
Actual Sugars (g) - 40,000,000,000,000
Protein (g) - 11
Vitamin A - 6%
Vitamin C - 0%
Vitamin L7- 99%
Calcium - 25%
Iron - 30%
Diabetic Episode - 62%
Stabucks Stock Price - 55.68 -0.93 / -1.64%

Alternate Names For I HEART BAD HAIR - BAD HAIR's Valentine's Day Show

2005-01-14T16:23:00.000-05:00

Love Is In The Hair
Aorta! You Brought-a!
Liquor Drinks In the Front Entrance, Texas Hold 'Em In The Rear Entrance
Love Shmove!
If Jesus Loves Me, Where's My Freakin' Candy?
I Gave You My Heart And I Died ('Cause I Need It To Live)
Luv Shmuv!
The House of Flying Daggers (Zhang Yimou, you'll be hearing from our lawyers)
Love Is A 4-Letter Word. Sycophant Is A 9-Letter Word.
Swift Vote Vetrans For Love
1932 - The Year Nothing Happened
BAD HAIR'S Corporate Created Holiday Show
Christmas Brings Better Presents
I Like-a You
Like Shmike!
Loving Is For Old People (also available as a t-shirt from Urban Outfitters)
Carpe Lovem
Screw This! When's Easter?

I HEART BAD HAIR
February 9-19 @ 8 PM
The Shubin Theater (407 Bainbridge Street)
Two Shows on Valentine's Day - 7 and 10 PM
Visit www.badhairsketch.com for more details

BAD HAIR's Christmas Show a Success. Tet Show Looks Promising.

2004-12-20T03:20:00.000-05:00

There was singing!

There was dancing!

There was sketch comedying!

But most importantly, there was love!

Big thanks to everyone who came out to see BAD HAIR's (Obligatory) Christmas Show this Saturday. I hope you all liked your free i-Pods.

A big piece of coal to all those who said they were coming but didn't. Your i-Pods have been given to little rich kids who lost theirs or just wanted another one.

Don't worry we still love you like second cousins.

So what's next for BAD HAIR? Glad you asked!

January 29, 2005 BAD HAIR will head south...to Delaware! We have a one night, two show remounting of our SOLD OUT Fringe hit Sketchtastic Sketchtacular!!!

(Heh. I typed "mounting.")

WHERE: 4W5 Cafe 421 North Market Street Wilmington, DE
WHEN: Two Shows @ 7:00 and 9:00 pm
HOW MUCH: $15 (show only) - $25 (w/ Cajun Sampler Buffet!) - Cash Bar
WHY: Cajun food in Delaware? Is that scientifically possible?

February 9-19, 2005 BAD HAIR presents it's first full length run: I HEART BAD HAIR!!! Strategically planned to be just in time for Valentine's Day.

WHERE: The Shubin Theater (4th and Bainbridge Sts. in Philadelphia)
WHEN: February 9-19 (including 2 shows on Valentine's Day)
HOW MUCH: $15. Tickets will be available for sale online in January.
WHY: 'Cause laughter is the bestest aphrodisiac.

And finally tonight we leave you with the inspirational words of James Haskerlingerdingerfingerwinger, who said: "If Christmas was about presents, we would have nailed them to a cross."

Think about it.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

www.badhairsketch.com

Welcome to the Grand Experiment...or something like that.

2004-12-11T13:20:00.000-05:00

Greeting readers!

(Are there any readers? Don't know? I'm gonna go anyway.)

Anywho welcoem to BadBlog, the blog for BAD HAIR - Sketch Comedy With Comedy Sketches.

We are a sketch troupe in Philadelphia, the City of Brotherly Civil Unions. There are 6 of us. Um, we are all male and, uhh...walk on two legs.

Ok, this whole Blog thong is gonna take some getting used to. But we'll be back with stories, essays, rants and maybe even a pic or three.

In the meantime be sure to check out our show next Saturday, December 18th at Midnight at The Playground (2030 Sansom Street). Tix are only $5!!!!

See ya soon!